I share my story because I want to offer hope to others out there who are where I was when I thought my life would never get better. I also share my story because I understand how helpful it is to have someone truly understand what a sexual abuse/childhood trauma survivor deals with. I want people to see that overcoming can be done and that they are not alone. Sharing my story is also important to me because I want women to know they are children of God, and their self-worth is not determined by how they were treated growing up or what happened to them. I have been keeping my passion and hope inside and I am ready to share that by helping others.
I have overcome many challenges in my life. Besides being sexually abused from age 3-18, I had multiple sicknesses as a young child and was hospitalized often. When I was 14, I also started having seizures. In order to try and stop them, I went through many drug trials, and when I was 19, I had depth electrode surgery. This entailed drilling holes into my skull and implanting electrodes into my brain, and I had to be awake for it. After the surgery, I was hooked up to huge machines for eight weeks so the doctors could see where in my brain the seizures were coming from. The plan was to cut out the damaged part of my brain. Thank God that did not happen as I became pregnant when I was released from the hospital, and the seizures continued.
I married my daughter's father, who was an abusive sociopath who threatened to kill my daughter. After three years of marriage, I divorced him. Still struggling from the impact of being abused as a child, I was put in the psych ward several times believing that I was crazy. I had lost most of the memories of being sexually abused and was experiencing dissociative amnesia, which is very common in incest survivors. My mother tried to institutionalize me after I became almost non-functioning. After that, I was put on highly addictive drugs for anxiety and became addicted to them.
During this time, I tried to go back to school only to be told I was unfit. I tried to kill myself in 2003 and went into recovery later that year. After being in recovery and going back to school to get my master's degree three years after that, I still struggled with complex PTSD. Thinking my worst was behind me, I began having flashbacks again in 2011, but this time of my father sexually abusing me. After these new memories showed up, I took some time off to heal and recover again. Today, I have been in recovery for 16 years, and I am free from the flashbacks and living a joyful life I never thought I would have.
I spent several years in therapy with a therapist trained in CPTSD which also helped me learn to manage the debilitating fear and anxiety using techniques like EMDR. Learning how to treat myself with compassion and see myself as a wounded woman in need of love also paved the way for me to no longer be ashamed of myself. This allowed me to approach myself from a kindhearted and proud perspective which eased the difficulty of the work I needed to do to overcome my trauma history. Additionally, learning about the brain and specific techniques to use to help my fear also helped me overcome the paralyzing fear.
My intimate relationship with God really is the root of my survival. Knowing He loved me and was there and allowing myself to realize and see myself as a beautiful child of God helped me regain my lost self-worth. Without this, I would never have survived the many traumas in my life or the aftermath of them.
My husband has been so understanding and selfless over the years of my memories of abuse returning and the impact that had on me and us for that matter. He is always willing to help in any way possible, and he has carried us for years while I worked on healing and recovering yet again. He is so loving and fun and my greatest cheerleader.
In reflecting on my time in recovery, I have discovered and appreciated myself as a true miracle. Also, I have learned how amazingly brave, persistent and dedicated I am! Overall the biggest thing I have learned about myself is who I truly am. I no longer seek my worth outside of myself as a child of God. I am so proud of who I am and how resilient I am. I am especially grateful to realize how empathetic, encouraging and empowering I am to myself and others. It has been very exciting to learn to see myself as a brave, amazing, gifted woman rather than a scared, ashamed, suffering little girl trapped in an adult body. All of these discoveries about myself have also helped me recognize my many other gifts and that I indeed have something to share with the world of incredible value.
When I look back at my life, I truly am amazed at my ability to overcome multiple repeated traumas. There were so many occasions that I could have given up, yet I kept going. When others said it couldn't be done, I put my faith in God and did the hard work required to overcome what would understandably sideline most people. I am proud of who I am and want others to know they can be to.
