“How well do your parents understand what you do for a living?”

“How well do your parents understand what you do for a living?”

A question I was left pondering after reading Reena Friedman Watts’ post the other day in her Facebook group.

As I sat there thinking about the different conversations I’ve had with my parents about what I do for a living, I couldn’t help but take the question to another level, “How well does ANYONE understand what you do for living?”

I remember one time in particular, during a visit back to Ann Arbor, I went to lunch with one of my mentors from high school.

It had been at least six years since we saw each other last.

Quite a bit had changed during that time, including his health condition.

As we sat at Zingerman's Roadhouse, prior to going to the University of Michigan basketball game, he asked me, “What do you do for a living?”

I replied with, “I am a professional speaker.”

He said, “And you get paid for that? I don’t understand, please explain.”

As I continued to explain how one, myself included, gets paid for a living as a professional speaker, I had noticed that there was a disconnect.

Even after explaining who I speak to (child welfare related organizations such as #foster care or #adoption or #kinship care, private/public school, #colleges and #universities, etc) and the different topics I cover (reframing #adversity into opportunity, understanding one's inner #narrative, etc), he still didn’t understand what I was doing.

It was at that moment, I realized the difference between explaining what I do for a living and convincing someone of what I do for a living.

I had asked, “Do you know of any professional speakers within your network?”

He answered, “No, I do not.”

Then, I assumed that part of the reason why he didn’t fully grasp what I was saying was because he didn’t know of anyone else that had a similar career.

There was no point of reference.

Slowly after the conversation had ended with him saying, “Well, best of luck to you in your career ... I know you’ll do great, as you’ve done in all things.”

This moment helped me realize the following about how I answer this question in the future: (1) Use words that are easily understood (child welfare was too complex of a term, but foster care or adoption was not), (2) Try to use reference points by asking the individual, “Is there anyone within your network that does what I do?” (3) Don’t assume people will understand what you do for a living.

In your life, how well does ANYONE understand what you do for a living?

What does it mean to ‘overcome?

"What does it mean to ‘overcome?’”

A couple weeks ago, I was having a conversation with Nancy John, and this question was brought up.

After a brief back and forth in sharing the initial perspectives on the topic, I realized that part of “overcoming” is not necessarily defeating or eliminating, but rather developing a different relationship with it.

The question shifts from “how do I defeat or eliminate XYZ?” to “what type of relationship would I like to have with XYZ?”

Far too often throughout my life, I tried to eliminate many areas that appeared to be obstacles.

Whether it was depression, anxiety, stress ... you name it. 

I then began to realize that I don’t think it’s possible to eliminate those areas out of my life.

They always have been and always will be with me every step of the way.

Same thought process applies to adversity.

I don’t believe it’s possible to completely escape adversity or adverse circumstances.

In fact, I believe there’s meaning within the adversity, but that’s a topic for another conversation.

I proceeded by saying, “Nancy, I think you have helped me realize the hidden meaning behind, "Overcoming Odds’.”

To me, “overcoming” is about creating a space to develop a different relationship with the topic at hand.

If it’s stress, then the question becomes, “What type of relationship would I like to have with stress? What about XYZ appears to be stressful? Does it have to be stressful?”

The same model applies to all of the other topics above. 

What does “overcoming” mean to you?

“If you are going to do it at all, do the best that you can”

“If you are going to do it at all, do the best that you can.”

These were the exact words my Mom used as I was mopping the floor of our two story house many years ago.

I was young, still at the stage of cutting corners from time to time.

All with the intention of completing the task as fast as possible, so I could play outside with my friends.

This time, I was doing exactly that.

I was cutting corners.

Instead of moving all of the boxes or anything else that might have been in the way, I would mop around them.

I knew better, I just didn’t choose to do better.

As I made my way through the kitchen, heading toward the family room, she came out of the computer room to grab something to drink, but I really think it was to see how I was doing.

In fact, as she made her way through the narrow hallway, she saw me mop around one of the boxes next to the kitchen island.

“Oleg, if you’re going to do it at all, do the best that you can. Move all of the boxes and mop under them.”

BUSTED.

I thought internally, “Damn, now I have to go back and do it again.”

I waited until she left to go back and mop all of the other spots I had missed.

I didn’t want her to see that I had missed all of these other spots, although I’m sure she already knew that.

I wanted her to think that I only missed one 😂

Can you relate? Is there a story of a similar instance that comes to your mind?

Yesterday, when I was helping my parents clean the house, I heard her exact words again.

The only difference this time was that they were all in my mind.

She was nowhere near me, yet she was still able to have an impact.

“If you are going to do it at all, do the best that you can.”

What are some of the things your parents have instilled in you over the years that have become your principles or core values?

“It’s not a coincidence ... it’s life happening FOR you”

“It’s not a coincidence ... it’s life happening FOR you”.

The other day, I was taking Kaleb for his afternoon walk, as I was reminded of this.

We were making our way up a relatively steep hill, as I noticed an older man walking behind us.

I’ve seen him before.

In fact, he and I cross paths almost every single day.

As we pass each other, we often say, “Good Morning! How are you?”

Then, continue our walks without looking back or thinking much about the exchange.

Well, this time around, I chose to do something different.

Instead of continuing my walk, I chose to stop at the nearby dog 💩 station to pick up a bag for Kaleb’s future presents 😂 

As I stood there, ripping off a bag and putting it in my back pocket, I glanced back to see how far he was.

I didn’t want to be shouting across the neighborhood.

I saw he still had some ground to cover, so I grabbed another bag.

It felt strange, hanging by the dog 💩 station, waiting for him.

Part of me wanted to turn around and walk toward him, but then thought he might think, “What does he want from me?”

Not wanting to set off any alarms, I chose to stay put and wait.

As he had made his way toward me, I asked, “How is your dog doing?”

He responded, “She’s in Arizona with my significant other ... I’ll be going to Flagstaff in a few weeks to see her.”

“What are the chances?” I thought.

I proceeded by saying, “I’ll be going there in a few months to hike the Grand Canyon. Is there anything you’d recommend seeing?”

He mentioned a list of places that were not on my list and concluded with the following, “When you land, send me an email ... If you have the time, I’ll take you all out for lunch.”

As we went our separate ways, I couldn’t help but think of, “it’s not a coincidence ... it’s life happening FOR you.”

Initially, I thought, “What were the chances that he lived in Flagstaff and was going there a week before I was?”

Then, instead of pondering the question, I chose to accept it for what it was.

It was life happening FOR me.

In fact, similar instances have happened like this before.

Much of this “life is happening FOR me” I believe comes from being intentional in the way that I live my life and the people or experiences I’m attracting into my life.

When you hear, “It’s not a coincidence ... it’s life happening FOR you”, what does it make you think of?

"I wish everyone thought like I did"

“I wish everyone thought like I did.”

A few days ago, I was having a conversation with Joshua Koerpel on the Firebuilders.io podcast when this thought came to mind.

I’ve experienced this myself many times.

In fact, I can list numerous situations where I said, “I wish everyone thought like I did,” especially when I didn’t see eye to eye with someone.

I still remember times being caught in the middle of a conflict, trying to win the other person over, make them see my side of the battle and ultimately agree with why I was “right.”

Internally, repeating to myself, “Only if she thought the way that I did or how can she not see what I’m seeing?”

I still do that sometimes, not often.

I try my best to catch myself whenever I’m in a situation and change the course by choosing to be more open minded and understand the other person’s way of seeing the world.

Over the past few years, I’ve realized that there is beauty in seeing different ways of thinking.

In my opinion, seeing an opposing or simply different thought, allows me to have perspective.

It gives me an opportunity to see the other side of the coin.

I am now choosing to acknowledge and embrace this part of my journey.

I no longer try to convince the other person of my point of view, but rather try to understand theirs.

I believe everyone is “right” according to the lens that they’re seeing the world through.

Whether it relates to religion, politics, or whatever other subject one can think of, I don’t believe one lens is any better than the other.

It’s just different.

How do you embrace the fact that not everyone thinks or sees the world like you do?

What is your body telling you when it’s going through changes?

“What does it mean when your body changes?”

A question I was thinking about this morning, as I sat at my kitchen table, looking at the birds outside of my window.

The more I thought about it, the more I began to see a pattern.

I realized that once my bottom lip split, I am either in the process of having a cold or about to get one.

Ever since I’ve been aware of it, 99% of the time one of the two takes place.

Once my bottom lip splits, it becomes a challenge to laugh or even open my mouth wide.

Eating certain food, such as a burger, becomes difficult because it requires me to open my mouth extremely wide.

Now that I think about it, I suppose it doesn’t have to be that way.

Maybe that’s just the way I’ve been taught.

Next time, I can cut the burger into multiple pieces.

Would that still be considered American? 😂 

The other change I’ve realized is whenever I experience stress, a pimple forms on the left side of my face, under my lower lip.

It does not fully form.

Yet, here I am, trying to pop it every time.

Squeezing it to the point where I end up leaving a scar from the finger nails.

One day, I am hoping to learn the lesson and overcome the desire of wanting to squeeze it.

There’s something fascinating about that process.

The more aware I’ve become of my body, the quicker I have been able to take the necessary measures.

Whether it was boosting my immune system to prevent or deal with the cold at hand, or meditating to deal with stress.

As you think about your own experience, “What is your body telling you when it’s going through changes? What are those changes?”

Why do you choose to attend events?

“Why do you choose to attend events?”

A friend of mine recently asked me this.

“I attend events because ...”

Nothing, but silence followed.

I thought, “That’s a great question, now that I think about it.”

As I sat there, thinking about my own reasons for why I choose to attend certain events, I’ve realized that my answer changed depending on the event itself.

Some events I choose to attend due to wanting to hear what one or a group of facilitators had to say on a particular topic of interest.

Others I choose to attend either in support of someone I know or to find an answer to a question I am seeking.

I also choose to attend to simply connect with people of similar interests.

As I was reflecting upon the initial question, I’ve also realized that I was more likely to attend an event that had an entrance fee.

Entering the credit card number and clicking, “purchase” makes me feel like I have “skin in the game.”

No matter how small the amount may be, the purchasing decision somehow prioritizes the experience in my mind and makes it more valuable.

Much of this could be due to my perception of money.

If the money is earned, it carries a different energy with it.

For me, it makes it more valuable. 

Therefore, I am more likely to commit to the action at hand.

"Don’t let one bad experience determine your future experiences"

"Don’t let one bad experience determine your future experiences."

As I was walking Kaleb this afternoon, I had come across two dogs, both standing in the neighbor’s driveway, off leash.

I immediately thought, “Oh, no!”

That immediate thought came from a past experience, remembering when Kaleb was attacked by another dog who was off leash.

I still remember the size of the open wound on his chest.

Sitting with him in the bathtub of my apartment, trying to keep the blood from filling up the tub.

And then the 10 PM rush to the 24 hour emergency vet to get the wound stitched up.

Then came the $500 bill.

As I quickly passed both dogs, and Kaleb wanting to go say, “Hi”, I had thought of the importance of not letting one poor experience define future ones.

Not all dogs, off leash, want to attack and hurt, I thought.

Maybe that was not even the case, when Kaleb left with a battle scar.

Maybe it was Kaleb who instigated the fight between the two? Who knows?

I wish he spoke English sometimes. It would certainly make things easier.  

As I thought about dogs, I couldn’t help but think of humans.

I couldn’t help but think of all of the “poor experiences” I’ve had with someone and then letting that one experience define the future experiences.

I then started to question, “What if that person was having a tough day? What if their dog was bit and this is how they were processing their sadness? What if something very stressful had just happened and the person was displacing their anger?"

So many things to think about regarding poor experiences.